


Too young

by Icefire87



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Memories, Phone Call, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23252704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icefire87/pseuds/Icefire87
Summary: "It's hard to think you could ever hate me, but..."
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	Too young

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sarcoline_sails](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcoline_sails/gifts).



Everything is feeling different now. It’s nights like this, a beer in my hand, and my guitar in my lap that I start thinking about everything that’s happened between us. 

I don’t know why, but those early days were a bit of a blur. One of these blurry memories was when we all first met. They were all nice people, I made friends with them pretty quickly. Even so, Harry had always been special to me. He’d been the first one I really called a good friend- the first I felt close to. I loved his hair, green eyes, red lips, tan skin... He was such a nice guy. I was only 19 at the time, but I knew he was someone I wanted to stay close to. He was just about perfect. 

It’s stupid, but sometimes I felt a little struggle singing some of the love songs while in 1D. I’d look at him, and a small little spark would light, just enough to get me through when I felt like giving up. That didn't mean I loved him. That doesn’t mean I’m gay.

I remember the first joke Liam made. About him and me. I laughed at it, it was all in good fun after all. Looking back on it, I should have had more of a reaction. I think he said it to Harry too. I didn’t know exactly what was going through Harry’s mind, but I felt it was something similar. Just another confused kid. We didn’t talk about it, not at the time anyway. We couldn’t have said anything about it. I wasn’t comfortable with it, I sincerely doubt he was either. I wish I could have said something then. I wish I could have told him that I was thinking about him, that maybe a small part of me was interested, but at the same time, maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything. He might have just hated me even more, because- after all- I didn’t want to date, I didn’t want to fuck, I didn’t want anything more than to just get through this life with him beside me… I’d be alright cuddling him. 

I cringed at the stray thought and put down the beer bottle. If I was having these thoughts again, I’ve had more than enough. I tried to distract myself with thoughts of other things, other memories, but nothing lasted. It was always him. 

At the height of it, I remember I had invited him to my little apartment. We sat there, talking about our lives and anything under the sun. We smoked together in the backyard in those old chairs that I wanted to get rid of. That was one of the best memories I ever had with him. Cigarettes in our mouths and beers on the table between us. I felt so free and safe. I hated myself for what I did that day. The alcohol had made me dizzy, and he seemed so charming. So I brought it up.  
“Haz, don’t you think it’s weird they pair us?”  
He didn’t say anything, just took a sip of his drink and a puff of his cig.  
“It’s weird isn’t it?” I said to him, trying to keep the conversation going.  
“A bit, yeah.” He said as he turned to look at me. Our eyes met and my heart started pounding. What the hell was wrong with me?  
“What if we…?” I said- breaking the silence we’d forced on ourselves.  
Something about the beer and him… we leaned over the table and…   
I forced myself to forget the flavour. I didn’t want to remember. We were in an awkward silence after I pulled back. The conflicting feelings left me in a daze. The only thing I could do was open my mouth and stutter a sentence.   
“I-I’m sorry…” I tried to apologise.  
“No, it’s fine, Louis. You did nothing wrong.” He said sharply.  
There was nothing else to say. It didn’t feel right, but at the same time, it did. It felt so good, but wrong.  
“I should get going.” He said, feeling the stillness that I was trapped in.   
“I get that… I’ll see you around.” I said as he started to walk away.  
I thought I saw a tear slip down his cheek. I almost cried. I felt so stupid and confused. I might have lost a friend because I just couldn’t keep my feelings down. My indecision left him shattered. I never meant to hurt him, but I knew I had. I don’t know if I could have fixed it, but I didn’t try. 

The bottle was back in my hand again. I was in for it all. I couldn’t drink enough to forget how our fans reacted. After that day, we would randomly show signs that we still had a bit of feeling for the other. The people who shipped us- or ‘Larries’ as they called themselves, were all over it. Some people were cute about it. They made cute little pictures of us being together and I couldn’t help but smile at a few of them. There were probably a lot more cute larries than not… still… there were some photoshopping us, some putting what I once thought was personal everywhere. It was bad. I didn’t even know how I felt, and this small group of people kept making things harder for me. It was just too much. Harry and I both started to pull apart. It was unspoken, but we both agreed it was the best thing to do. I’m sure if I’d stopped he would have too, and vice versa. 

My bottle was empty so I walked to the fridge, getting another. I hated myself for kissing him and I hated myself for pulling away from him. I slammed the fridge door in a state of passive anger. I sat back down at the kitchen table, grabbing my guitar and playing a couple notes. They sounded horrible, the alcohol made it hard to control my fingers.

A lot of the nights after that were spent with a cigarette or a blunt, trying to sort things out. I didn’t have an answer, and before long, Zayn left and the band broke up. It was so bittersweet singing with them for the last time. I won’t lie, if everyone was into it, I’d show up for a reunion. It’s been about 10 years by now. Since I met him, and since I messed up, and since I lost a friend. 

I thought since then, the larry shippers would have stopped, no luck with that of course. In fact, it got worse. People sent messages to us… threats, I hated it. I hated it so much. The euphoria thing still makes me uncomfortable. It was so sexualised… even if harry and I had gotten together, it wouldn’t be like that. We were just good friends. I lost my chance to make it anything more than that. I lost it when I let him leave my backyard. I lost it when I pulled apart from him. I lost it when I made him feel like I didn’t care. 

Who the hell was I kidding?

I lost him. I lost him when I let him leave. I lost him when I pulled away. I lost him. That still feels so surreal. I listened to his albums, the songs left me feeling pretty good. I knew he was somewhere out there. I wondered if he listened to mine too. Maybe he thought about me too. Maybe he missed what we never had.

I couldn’t help myself. My hand was on my phone. His number typing itself.   
I almost pressed the call button, but what would be the point in that? He probably hates me now. Ironically, from the dining table began to play in my mind. I hated myself for it. I was just trying to find significance. I was trying to find an excuse. 

Fuck it!

I dialled his number and out the phone to my ear.  
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…  
“Hi, the subscriber you’ve dialled is not available”   
I turned off the phone. I don’t even know if that was still his number. 

9 hours passed. 7 of them I was asleep and the other 2 I was watching TV and trying to get over my hangover. My phone lit up.   
“Harry Styles.” It read.  
I answered.  
“Hello?” He said.   
“Oh hey, Harry… It’s Louis. How are you doing?” I said, the similar conflicting feelings rising in my chest.   
“Oh, I’m fine… why did you call?”  
I swallowed my spit.  
“I was drunk,” I said, feeling my body temperature drop sharply.   
He went a bit quiet.  
“Well, are you alright now?” He said. I could feel a dash of concern in his voice.  
“Yeah. I’m fine.” I said we went into another silence.  
“Well… I’m going to go.” He said.  
I could already feel him hanging up, and going on with his life, leaving me to continue mine. A part of me wanted that, but I still opened my mouth and said what I wished I had years ago.  
“I’m sorry,” I said.   
“Wait, what?”  
“I’m sorry” I repeated.  
“For what?” He said.  
“I’m sorry,” I said again.  
“For what? I don’t-”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Louis are you still drunk?”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“...”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“...”  
“I’m sorry,”  
“It’s not your fault” He finally said.  
“I miss whatever the hell that was… I miss it, and maybe I am still drunk, but all I know is I miss it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it happen.” I said, preparing for a quick and fast rejection.  
“It’s too late to fix it.” He said. I don’t know why, but my heartbeat slowed a little. I wondered why I cared so damn much.   
“But, I’d love to move forward.” He said.   
I was almost crying- yet again.  
“Come over, have some tea. Talk with me.” I said, taking in a shallow breath.   
“Any kissing?” He said, trying to make a light joke.  
“No. None of that, just us…” I said, almost surprised he’d want to see me.  
“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”   
I could hear it in his voice. He missed me too. I know what I did was wrong. Back then, I know I should’ve gone for it, but now, I’ve spent so long telling myself I can’t have him, that I don’t know if I’d want it even if I could.   
I could write as many songs about the pain as I wanted, but for the first time in years… maybe I could change things.   
Maybe I can have my… friend back. I don’t know what I want anymore.   
“Lou? You still there?” His voice snapped me back into reality.  
“Yeah, sorry. Next Friday night?”   
“How’s 8 sound?” He said softly.  
I nodded, then realised he couldn’t see me.  
“Yeah, where at?” I said.  
“The cafe we used to go to,” He said. The repressed memories came back. Sitting there, a cup of coffee in my hand, the sweet taste of the cherry dessert.  
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I said- a small smile on my lips.  
“Missed you.” He said.  
“You too,” I said, hanging up the phone. I felt my body shiver.   
I had just made the best and worst decision of my life.


End file.
